All wives have room to grow. With the overwhelming chores and errands to do at home, work and kids, marriage almost automatically goes to the bottom of the priority list of wives. Without help and support, it’s a struggle to really manage life during the first couple of years from the time the baby comes. But all women know, when the marriage is ruined, the natural order of living--and in our kids’ eyes, the world--all crumbles apart.
The Fallout
It’s emotionally exhausting to manage personal life, married life, work life and parenthood all at the same time. We are mere human. One way or another, one of these areas become neglected. And when you are physically and emotionally exhausting, more often than not, the husband feels taken for granted--almost instantly.
That’s when it all starts. You begin fighting a lot and get tired of it. You think he doesn’t understand how tired you are. You feel like he needs to love you more before you are able to love him back again. The spark is gone. Then, the silent treatment. It’s a vicious cycle that hurts you and your family, all because you wanted everything in the house to be in order, or keep the kids healthy and well fed, or earn that promotion at work. Having these things make women feel secure.
You might forget that, although security contributes to happiness, it does not assure it. Circumstances should never be the basis of happiness, else it will instantly go away when nothing good is going on in your life. Then, you’re depressed.
Depression greatly damages relationships but it’s exactly relationships that a person needs to cope up with it.
Start Again - The Love Dare
So when these things have happened and your relationship with your husband is affected, how will you start all over and build a stronger bond? How do you start picking up the pieces and mend them back together?
Sometimes, sex can make you feel connected again for a short while but it doesn’t fix the damage in your relationship. Sometimes, it makes you more hollow and empty inside. Sex doesn’t solve it. It just covers the emotions up but it’s still there. You’re still hurting and depressed and now you’re left feeling used.
One of my favorite marriage films is “Fireproof” where they introduced “The Love Dare.” The husband unwillingly put off processing divorce and spent 40 Days of pursuing his wife, even if it felt and looked counterproductive. He tried to fake it until he really changed from the inside and saved his marriage.
It all starts with yourself, really. You can never change other people, not even the people you love, sometimes, not even yourself. But you have to start and make the effort. You don’t need to be someone else. Just be the better version of you. Be the best right person for him and yourself. It doesn’t happen overnight, let’s admit. It’s a long process that could take years. Marriage is something that you really have to work on and when you said “I do,” you already said, it’s worth fighting for--maybe even dying for.
I went through my social media accounts and gathered useful data from married friends. This list is the result of that data-gathering. Fifteen ways to make the husband fall truly, madly, crazy in love with you--again. This may not be your cup of tea but after taking time to make an effort, he might want to marry you all over again.
Pray
It’s usually at the last of all relationship lists when it’s supposed to be the first. Before you can ever start building yourself up, you need help. And there’s no better source of help but the real Source--God.
You might think it’s weird or corny, but if there is anything that you can take away from all of this that will surely be effective no matter who or what you are, it’s this.
Don’t pray with doubtful thoughts--thinking He is far and distant and would probably hear you and help you if He likes. Talk to him like a really close, trustworthy friend who can actually solve your problems and end your struggles in one fell swoop. It takes time and practice to feel that familiar to someone you can’t physically see. If you’re impatient, you might not see results; but praying is an act of surrender and faith. It’s not asking what you want. It’s presenting what you have, acknowledging that you are helpless and declaring that He has the power to turn things around.
Ask for the changes you want to make and see in your relationship. Ask for help and guidance and wisdom. Ask for an open heart and mind. And of course, pray for your husband.
Learn to forgive and actually forget
Alright, you’re probably thinking, “I can forgive but not forget.” Yes, that’s probably true. But you can choose to not remember when you have truly forgiven.
When you pray, ask for forgiveness--for thinking you can do it all alone, for neglecting your husband, for not living up to your own expectations, and more. Just say sorry to God and to yourself and repent.
Let it all go because God is forgiving. He chooses not to remember when you thought of ending your life when you were so depressed. He chooses not to remember how you shouted and endlessly nagged your husband. He chooses not to remember how much work you did to make yourself tired so you won’t have time to talk to Him or anything, not even yourself. When you are reminded of these wrongs and you feel guilty, it’s not God who is reminding you. It’s the devil telling you lies that you are worthless and hopeless.
If God can forgive you when you repent, then so can you. You can also forgive yourself. Oftentimes, women get so guilty that it kills them from the inside. Forgiving is a choice to let the guilt and burden go.
Admit your mistakes
Apologize more. Relationship repair attempts are the secret weapon of emotionally intelligent couples. It may not be easy to patch things up before going to bed when you’re flaring with anger but really make an effort to see the view from his side of the bed.
Catching Faith is one family oriented faith movies and it taught me that God is a Truth Teacher. It focused on the wife and how her relationship with God affects her relationship with her family and her decisions, big or small.
Admitting you’re wrong won’t kill you but not admitting and keeping your pride up might mean the end of your marriage. It’s not about keeping the peace at home. It’s more of having peace of mind. Do you have peace of mind about your marriage? Are you secure that even when you fight or have arguments, your marriage is intact?
Acknowledge that you are worthy of love
The world tells us that we don’t love ourselves enough. It’s true, but we also inflict pain on ourselves, too. We either think we deserve more or we deserve nothing at all. People say we have to love ourselves before getting into a romantic relationship.
The world trains us to be perfect but we will never live up to anyone’s expectations. And when we fail, we find blame. Nobody is perfect and we can never please anyone.
How do you love yourself when you don’t feel loved at all? The answer is: You don’t. You can’t give what you don’t have. And there’s no better way to get love than knowing how much God loves you.
When you discover how much love God has for you, you will not have to expect love from other people but you will be willing to give.
Give him credit
You’re on the same team and he is the leader. Give him opportunities to lead you and your family. Don’t just show how much you trust his decisions but really surrender to his decisions--that is after you have both discussed it.
Acknowledge his efforts, small or big. Is he working hard? Verbally let him know how much you appreciate his hard work. Is he bringing food on the table? Is he doing anything that makes your life a little more easier? He can’t read your mind. Let him know how much you are thankful for him.
One practical exercise I do is to make a list of traits I like about my husband. I add to it as needed and as often as I can. I add stories of sweet acts he does and I get back to them and refresh my memory when I seem to forget.
Make time
Marriage is hard work. Remember when you were courting and you both really made efforts? Having work and kids makes it more challenging but should not be reasons for you to stop.
Personal time outs are as important as spending time with your husband. Making time for each other nurtures your relationship. It doesn’t have to be a big gesture, it’s the small things that matter. Study what your husband appreciates the most. Is it reminding him how much you love him, cooking his favorite meal, shopping for his new shirt, talking over coffee or giving him a kiss everyone he comes home? If you can’t figure it out, ask him. Let him know that he is important and he matters to you.
credit: Skley / Flickr
The Fallout
It’s emotionally exhausting to manage personal life, married life, work life and parenthood all at the same time. We are mere human. One way or another, one of these areas become neglected. And when you are physically and emotionally exhausting, more often than not, the husband feels taken for granted--almost instantly.
That’s when it all starts. You begin fighting a lot and get tired of it. You think he doesn’t understand how tired you are. You feel like he needs to love you more before you are able to love him back again. The spark is gone. Then, the silent treatment. It’s a vicious cycle that hurts you and your family, all because you wanted everything in the house to be in order, or keep the kids healthy and well fed, or earn that promotion at work. Having these things make women feel secure.
You might forget that, although security contributes to happiness, it does not assure it. Circumstances should never be the basis of happiness, else it will instantly go away when nothing good is going on in your life. Then, you’re depressed.
Depression greatly damages relationships but it’s exactly relationships that a person needs to cope up with it.
Start Again - The Love Dare
So when these things have happened and your relationship with your husband is affected, how will you start all over and build a stronger bond? How do you start picking up the pieces and mend them back together?
Sometimes, sex can make you feel connected again for a short while but it doesn’t fix the damage in your relationship. Sometimes, it makes you more hollow and empty inside. Sex doesn’t solve it. It just covers the emotions up but it’s still there. You’re still hurting and depressed and now you’re left feeling used.
One of my favorite marriage films is “Fireproof” where they introduced “The Love Dare.” The husband unwillingly put off processing divorce and spent 40 Days of pursuing his wife, even if it felt and looked counterproductive. He tried to fake it until he really changed from the inside and saved his marriage.
It all starts with yourself, really. You can never change other people, not even the people you love, sometimes, not even yourself. But you have to start and make the effort. You don’t need to be someone else. Just be the better version of you. Be the best right person for him and yourself. It doesn’t happen overnight, let’s admit. It’s a long process that could take years. Marriage is something that you really have to work on and when you said “I do,” you already said, it’s worth fighting for--maybe even dying for.
I went through my social media accounts and gathered useful data from married friends. This list is the result of that data-gathering. Fifteen ways to make the husband fall truly, madly, crazy in love with you--again. This may not be your cup of tea but after taking time to make an effort, he might want to marry you all over again.
Pray
It’s usually at the last of all relationship lists when it’s supposed to be the first. Before you can ever start building yourself up, you need help. And there’s no better source of help but the real Source--God.
You might think it’s weird or corny, but if there is anything that you can take away from all of this that will surely be effective no matter who or what you are, it’s this.
Don’t pray with doubtful thoughts--thinking He is far and distant and would probably hear you and help you if He likes. Talk to him like a really close, trustworthy friend who can actually solve your problems and end your struggles in one fell swoop. It takes time and practice to feel that familiar to someone you can’t physically see. If you’re impatient, you might not see results; but praying is an act of surrender and faith. It’s not asking what you want. It’s presenting what you have, acknowledging that you are helpless and declaring that He has the power to turn things around.
Ask for the changes you want to make and see in your relationship. Ask for help and guidance and wisdom. Ask for an open heart and mind. And of course, pray for your husband.
Learn to forgive and actually forget
Alright, you’re probably thinking, “I can forgive but not forget.” Yes, that’s probably true. But you can choose to not remember when you have truly forgiven.
When you pray, ask for forgiveness--for thinking you can do it all alone, for neglecting your husband, for not living up to your own expectations, and more. Just say sorry to God and to yourself and repent.
Let it all go because God is forgiving. He chooses not to remember when you thought of ending your life when you were so depressed. He chooses not to remember how you shouted and endlessly nagged your husband. He chooses not to remember how much work you did to make yourself tired so you won’t have time to talk to Him or anything, not even yourself. When you are reminded of these wrongs and you feel guilty, it’s not God who is reminding you. It’s the devil telling you lies that you are worthless and hopeless.
If God can forgive you when you repent, then so can you. You can also forgive yourself. Oftentimes, women get so guilty that it kills them from the inside. Forgiving is a choice to let the guilt and burden go.
Admit your mistakes
Apologize more. Relationship repair attempts are the secret weapon of emotionally intelligent couples. It may not be easy to patch things up before going to bed when you’re flaring with anger but really make an effort to see the view from his side of the bed.
Catching Faith is one family oriented faith movies and it taught me that God is a Truth Teacher. It focused on the wife and how her relationship with God affects her relationship with her family and her decisions, big or small.
Admitting you’re wrong won’t kill you but not admitting and keeping your pride up might mean the end of your marriage. It’s not about keeping the peace at home. It’s more of having peace of mind. Do you have peace of mind about your marriage? Are you secure that even when you fight or have arguments, your marriage is intact?
Acknowledge that you are worthy of love
The world tells us that we don’t love ourselves enough. It’s true, but we also inflict pain on ourselves, too. We either think we deserve more or we deserve nothing at all. People say we have to love ourselves before getting into a romantic relationship.
The world trains us to be perfect but we will never live up to anyone’s expectations. And when we fail, we find blame. Nobody is perfect and we can never please anyone.
How do you love yourself when you don’t feel loved at all? The answer is: You don’t. You can’t give what you don’t have. And there’s no better way to get love than knowing how much God loves you.
When you discover how much love God has for you, you will not have to expect love from other people but you will be willing to give.
Give him credit
You’re on the same team and he is the leader. Give him opportunities to lead you and your family. Don’t just show how much you trust his decisions but really surrender to his decisions--that is after you have both discussed it.
Acknowledge his efforts, small or big. Is he working hard? Verbally let him know how much you appreciate his hard work. Is he bringing food on the table? Is he doing anything that makes your life a little more easier? He can’t read your mind. Let him know how much you are thankful for him.
One practical exercise I do is to make a list of traits I like about my husband. I add to it as needed and as often as I can. I add stories of sweet acts he does and I get back to them and refresh my memory when I seem to forget.
Make time
Marriage is hard work. Remember when you were courting and you both really made efforts? Having work and kids makes it more challenging but should not be reasons for you to stop.
Personal time outs are as important as spending time with your husband. Making time for each other nurtures your relationship. It doesn’t have to be a big gesture, it’s the small things that matter. Study what your husband appreciates the most. Is it reminding him how much you love him, cooking his favorite meal, shopping for his new shirt, talking over coffee or giving him a kiss everyone he comes home? If you can’t figure it out, ask him. Let him know that he is important and he matters to you.
What is good about your marriage? Think about it. Now share some of what you thought with your spouse. Ask how you can improve things. You can’t do it all at once but one small step at a time. You don’t have to be someone you’re not. Approach things with your own personality.
Knowing how special your relationship is helps you cherish it. You don’t need to be perfect but doing your best to improve for your husband speaks volumes.
credit: HikingArtist.com / Flickr
Keep the lines open
Men assume their wife will speak up if something is wrong. Women assume he will know. Bad mix! Talk but don’t scream. He zones out when your voice gets loud. Gently express that it’s important to you but don’t force him into doing something he’s not yet ready or willing to do.
Sarcasm is like hot peppers, some like it, some hate it. Know how your spouse feels and speak accordingly. Most men hate sarcasm. It makes them feel you think less of them. Sarcasm could be a sign of disrespect. Avoid it. If you think you’ll be sarcastic, or will say something to hurt him, stop yourself. Hurting him won’t help you win the argument. It pushes him away and you’ve lost.
Let him drive
Have you ever been driving together and you have a hunch that you’re lost and he just won’t stop to ask for directions? Let him drive and let him know you’re ready to help whenever he asks. Most often than not, he’ll find the way--faster if you weren’t nagging.
I’m talking about trust. Trust him completely. Yes, you’re probably better than him in a lot of things and decision have to be made together but you have to let him lead. Support and respect his leadership. When you start showing him support instead of opposing him, he’ll start considering your opinions, too.
Respect with your mind
Love is actually not at the top of the list of needs for husbands. It’s RESPECT. How you think of him affects how you treat talk to him. It affects how you talk to him to your friends and to your kids.
Do you respect him more than other men in your life? What do you say about him when your friends ask? Do you always think you’re better than him? Do you think if you have the final say at everything, your life will be better? Is he always at the top of your shopping list? Your answers will show you what you need to change. To be able to give respect, you need to have respect. Treat him with utmost regard and he will respond positively.
Respect him with your heart
“In the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks.” Knowing you are loved is nice, but hearing you are loved is better. How do you think of him when you’re apart? Do you miss him? Do you at least think of him? Let him know. Send him a text or a short note at the door of your room--somewhere he’ll never miss.
Guard your heart from distractions. In this social media and information technology age, getting distracted with other things is instantly easy. Affairs are easy to form. The moment you delete a message so that he won’t see is already an affair. Guard your marriage from these acts. Secrets, no matter how small, can scar your marriage.
Respect him with your hands
You already know that you can respect him with your hands by praying for him and serving him. But you can also respect him with your touch. How do you touch him? How does your touch make him feel? Does he feel electric? A soft caress, a cuddle, a tickle is as important as talking with him everyday. Small expressions of love and respect that you can surely do.
You’ll notice how I want to stress on respect. It’s usually the first thing that flies out the window when the relationship starts falling apart. He has probably done something that does not earn your respect so you treat him without respect. Know that respect can be restored. Gently express to him how his actions affect you. Talk with him without a judgmental tone in your voice and show that you want to work things out.
Power of encouragement
Nothing matters to a man more than the opinion of his wife. Your opinions matter--a lot! You have the power to encourage your husband, whether you use it or not.
Are your opinions constructive? Is it encouraging? Do you express support? Or are you sarcastic? Condescending? Complaining?
Surely, sending your message positively will have more chances of getting a positive response. If you think nagging him will make him stronger, he doesn’t need to be strong in front of you. You’re neither his mother or his critique. You are his partner. Everything he does affects you. Your words have power. Use them wisely.
Initiate love-making
Ask God to help you grow in your enjoyment of sex. It could be challenging when you’re just a few months from giving birth, or you’re not in the zone, but for how long will you be out of the zone? Two weeks? A month? Three? Sex is one of the special bonds that make a marriage. It’s not the only way to bond but are you bonding?
He wants you to initiative but you feel uncomfortable or silly? Forget words, choose the silky ones instead of the flannel pajamas.
Enjoy his company
Have fun and make it fun. You vowed before people and God that you will stay married until death. Since you’re in it for the long haul, you might as well enjoy the ride. Make a bucket list, cross out dreams together, laugh. You don’t have to be young to laugh but spending time with your forever is enough to, at the least, make you smile.
Even if you’re not having a rough patch, these are surely useful. The list is not absolute and it’s far from perfect but I sincerely hope they help as it has helped my own and my friends’ marriages.
Happy ever after!
Happy ever after!
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