5 Reasons Why Some Women are Still Single at 30 and How To Cope With It

image credit: Pat David/Flickr

I went out just weeks ago with three of my college friends that I haven’t seen for almost 10 years. While we were engaged into a conversation trying to catch things up, one of them suddenly turned to me, looked me directly in the eye and blurted that I am lucky because I am already married with a kid. Then it just hit me, within the group, I am the only one married.

Just like a fish out of water, I had a mixed feeling with what my friend told me. Yes, I feel so blessed to be settled at 30 with a loving and ever patient husband and a wonderful son but maybe subconsciously, a tiny part of me wants to experience once again how to be single, just like them. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to sound like an ingrate (for crying out loud) but when a friend says something like that, I wish that there is a machine that will allow us to trade places even just for a day for both of us to realize what we’re both going through, for her to experience being married with a baby and the challenges associated to it and for me to better understand how hard it is being single like her at this age and the pressures she has to deal with being with a timeline. Do I make sense?

Thirty has been identified as the particular age at which women start panicking about getting married. Suddenly all of those previous conversations I had not only with them but with some other friends who are still single at 30 flashed back in my memory and I just realized that most of the talks revolve around their frustration of finding the “one” when they are already so ready to settle down, meeting the wrong guys who don’t want to ever commit, the pressure caused by the people around them, the culture, the media and even social networking.

Our culture somehow contributes in stereotyping these women which can be frustrating. There is an out-dated notion that women should be settled at 30 and old people often give them unsolicited litany of how miserable it is to grow old alone without a family (as if it isn’t their fervent desire to be settled already).

We see advertisements of single women usually in the bar, partying like a boss as if relaying the message that they just can’t settle down yet, or movies of women at 30’s switching from one partner to another without any plans of having a baby. But the one that ticked me off is when I saw a post in Facebook one time that says “How come all the good girls if not in a relationship are married?” and I was like “What do you mean by that? That those who are not in a relationship and are currently single are bad and not worth dating?”

To be able to understand them better here are the several factors why several women remain to be unattached at 30:

The Reasons

Bad Past

They might not feel like being in a relationship at this time after a traumatic past like cases of personality differences, conflicting issues causing an “on-and off” relationship which still ended to permanent breakup, engaged-and-soon-to-be married only that it was cancelled at the last minute because the guy impregnated another women and any other infidelity issues, some even suffered from an abusive relationship so last thing they have in mind is settling down.

It takes time to mend a broken heart. What’s even harder is not to emotionally invest again after losing yourself. To find the strength and the rhythm back can be a long journey. And dating just to fill the emptiness is not really a good rebound and can be unfair to the other party so rather than just being available in the market and diving in, they choose to lie low for a while and be on their own.

They are not after "Mr. Right Now." 

Most of the women at 30’s believe it or not are so ready to settle down, but problem is, they keep on meeting guys who really can’t commit. At this age, what they are looking for are men who are into a serious relationship and not just fling; someone who will accept and appreciate who they are, someone who will value them and will accept even their flaws, unfortunately that task isn’t a piece of cake. They keep on meeting guys (some single only to find out that they have multiple strings attached, others are even married who lied about it) who are just after chasing skirts or just want to play around.

I have asked several of my friends if it might be because their standards are so high or they have set the bar which is somewhat unreachable but they said that standards can easily change or they can even throw that out of the window once they meet someone who is worth keeping, but problem is, that right kind of guy hasn’t really come yet and finding him can be exhausting!

Personal Choice. 

Some are happy just being alone for the mean time. And they are not yet bothered by this old-fashion notion of getting married at the age of 30. They are open with the idea of settling down with kids but are willing to stretch that maybe with several more years.

It can be because they are still supporting their immediate family financially, or they are happy doing things on their own, or they are still tied with their passion like being engaged with civic, moral or even spiritual activities, some still want to spend time with their friends, or would like to pursue more by expanding their horizon through traveling, finding and knowing their self-worth and even further education before diving into romance and marriage.

These are the women who have other priorities set and they are honest-to-goodness comfortable and contented to be on their own without having a man in the radar. They believe if it’s God’s will for them to settle down, the right guy will just come along.

Being in a wrong place and limited environment. 

This is the usual reason why women at 30’s remain to be single. Some are stuck in a working environment or in a limited network where most of their guy colleagues are either too young, married or they really are not the date-able type.

Problem is, as much as they want to expand the horizon, work can be the greatest constraint as it takes much of their time and energy. And with this daily routine of going to work and going home, chances are, they really will end up turning 30 without realizing that time just flew so rapidly and then they start the chase for the hope of finding the “one”.

Opportunities like career growth. 

Women’s enormous contribution in the society is indeed undeniable; may it be through the education, government agencies, businesses powered by women, even employees from private to public sectors; women’s outstanding performance helps our economy towards excellence. They are as hard-working, dedicated, result-driven and trustworthy workers like their counterpart.

Because of this empowerment, opportunities for growth are pouring in and these are being grabbed by the career-driven women in their pursuit for higher and better positions; hence, often lead to late marriage and still being single at 30. 

Often than not, these women at 30’s have plans of settling down but stretching the years to a later period mostly for stability purposes and career-setting reasons.

It is such a shame that they are ridiculously represented and I think that this needs to be acknowledged. Love can never be hurried. Contrary to the popular belief, they are single not because they are picky, with nasty behavior, because they have an attitude, or because they have a long list of qualities and a high standard when it comes to finding a partner; but because they are either in a circumstance of their personal choice or because they are in a worthwhile search for a partner, taking their time slowly, building intimacy that will eventually lead to marriage.

For Single Women

Not because everyone in your batch is already married with kids, you want to just dive into a romantic relationship so you’ll not feel left-out. When you've been burning the candle in search of romance but still haven’t come yet, don’t force yourself to exhaustion. It is best to wait patiently for the right man to come along than to be in a “so-so” relationship just to validate yourself, fill in the gap and update your status in Facebook or to just stop the buzz.

Here are some tips for you to get going:

Don’t feel obliged to explain why you are single. 

Whether it is a bad past, personal choice, Mr. Right seems still out of sight, limited environment, or career opportunities; you really don’t owe anyone any explanations. You don’t need to apologize for defying the out-dated notion of being settled at 30, feeling inferior or pressured just because others are already enjoying their marriage and you are enjoying your own company.

You can’t stop people from labeling. But you can definitely control and take charge of how you feel and deal with them. Don’t conform to what the society thinks of you. It is your own business not them.

Let God take control of your current status and your life and believe that Mr. Right is coming eventually instead.

Seize the opportunity to find yourself. 

Being single at 30 can be a blessing in disguise. Embrace the fact that you are given ample time to look for the right guy who will come along. Be empowered by the single status. Instead of focusing for the search, take this as an opportunity to really identify what you need to do and achieve first in your life, find your own self-worth and understand yourself more. When you know yourself better, your goals and plans are clearer, even resulting to a sunnier disposition in life; thus, attracting potential suitors and dates and who knows? Maybe one of them is already the man that you have been praying for.

Contentment is the key. 

Expectations change as we age, so as our relationship and personality preferences.  So long as you are happy and contented with your present circumstance, then you don’t really have to be in a race just to be in. Marriage is not a status that you have to force yourself into just because everyone you know is already married or because they are posting their wedding memorabilia or even the pictures of their babies.

Marriage is a vow that promises a lifetime relationship, it is a responsibility ordained by the Lord and you have to look for someone who will take good care of you and be with you through the good times and the bad, someone who will walk with you hand-in-hand in your journey for forever.

There’s nothing so embarrassing or shameful being single at 30. It isn’t even a curse. This isn’t a state that you have to live in for the rest of your life. Don’t fret on that ticking clock. God’s plans are always perfect. There might be billions of men out there but there is always someone specifically destined for you. The right man will come along. Be open with the idea of dating and in meeting someone new but don’t rush yourself. You don’t really have to exhaust yourself finding the “one” because love will come after you instead. Let it find you.

What’s more important is how you acknowledge and understand yourself. Do not intellectualize your emotions but rather know your feelings in a deeper sense. Don’t be affected by the pressures around you. The more you panic, the more you entertain the “biological” timelines that those people around you keeps on insisting for you to get a partner to reproduce, the more bad decisions you make.

Rushing in frenzy can just make things unreachable. Instead, focus first on what you want, what you need and how you will be a more effective partner. Sometimes, as amazing as we are, it is us, not them, who pose a problem by getting in our own way, so just take your time. Love endures even age!